Spring Poem, is it good. Will I get a good grade?

Visions of spring time,


Paints a picture in my mind.


In fact so distinct,


That I can almost smell,


The sweetness,


Of the spring flowers,


That are beginning to grow.


As the cold winter breeze,


Progressively warms,


Now letting the sunlight,


Shine onto the trees to bring life,


To new leaves.


Spring time is near,


The dark skies of winter


Are no more.


The sun stays later,


Making the days feel longer,


All because Spring is now here.


Hear the birds chirping in the distance,


Singing their song,


Calling out to one another.


The Delightful assortments


Of tulips and daffodils.


Fills the portrait, in my imagination


With a rainbow of colors.


A portrait so real,


I feel as if I were,


Walking on crisp green grass,


Smelling the fresh flowers


Tasting this seasons fruit,


While feeling the wind blow,


Through my hair.


Listening to the sounds,


Of the ocean,


The waves smacking back and forth.


Watching the children,


Playing outside,


Enjoying the outdoors.


Spring time is like no other,


Somewhere from far,


it comes once a year.

Spring Poem, is it good. Will I get a good grade?
Great poem, I really enjoyed it. One thing that I suggest, however, is that you take out the commas at the end of some of the lines that I think you are trying to make enjambed (an enjambed line is a line whose thought continues on to the next line). You have them written as if you wanted them enjambed, but you put commas at the end, therefore making them end-stopped. Being able to effectively use enjambed lines in writing poetry is a valuable tool, and one that you seem to be quite good at utilizing. Just make sure you remove the commas at the end of those lines, and you should be good to go. The line numbers that need commas removed are 1, 4, 5, 8, 10, 11, 27, 31, 33, and 36. So they should read:





Visions of spring time


Paint a picture in my mind.


instead of


Visions of spring time,


Paints a picture in my mind.





That I can almost smell


The sweetness


instead of


That I can almost smell,


The sweetness,





As the cold weather breeze


Progressively warms,


instead of


As the cold weather breeze,


Progressively warms,





Now letting the sunlight


Shine onto the trees to bring life


instead of


Now letting the sunlight,


Shine onto the trees to bring life,





I feel as if I were


Walking on crisp green grass,


instead of


I feel as if I were,


Walking on crisp green grass,





While feeling the wind blow


Through my hair.


instead of


While feeling the wind blow,


Through my hair.





Listening to the sounds


Of the ocean,


instead of


Listening to the sounds,


Of the ocean,





and


Watching the children


Playing outside,


instead of


Watching the children,


Playing outside.





The first example does not need an "s" at the end of "paint." You used enjambed lines very well at other points in the poem, and I'm sure you just overlooked these lines by mistake, or accidentally typed them a different way from how you actually wrote them when you asked your question. I also feel like you meant to put a comma at the end of line 28, so it would read "smelling the fresh flowers," and I suggest replacing "far" in line 36 with "afar" and "Smacking" in line 34 with "lapping" or "rolling," as "smacking" is a bit of a harsh/hard word for this poem. A few additional suggestions would be to replace "the outdoors" with "nature" in line 37...I just feel like nature is a better word for the poem than the outdoors because when you think of the outdoors you kind of think of hunting and things like that, at least I do, and this poem isn't really about outdoor sports. You also may want to add something to the last line to make it more of a line of dismay that spring only comes once a year, such as making it "It only comes once a year." This stresses the good qualities of the things that come with spring that you have been describing throughout your poem. Finally, I suggest putting a semicolon at the end of line 13 instead of a comma so it would read "Spring time is near;" instead of "Spring time is near," The colon shows that the next line will explain or provide an example of the previous one, which it does in this case. The comma does not succeed in doing this. Don't get me wrong, I may have made a lot of suggestions, but they are really all very minor and they don't really change the poem's content. However, I strongly feel that if you make the changes that I suggested, this poem will be much stronger and we will have a real winner as far as poems go. Again great poem, very well written and I really enjoyed it a lot. Sorry my response is so long, but it is a pretty long poem. With these slight modifications, I am confident you will receive an excellent grade. The poem offers an exquisite outlook on spring, and really captures all of spring's wonderful qualities in one single compact thought. Absolutely lovely poem, and you chose all of the greatest examples! I can't think of a single thing (content wise) to make the poem better...it's absolutely magical. You should talk to somebody about getting it printed somewhere. Please, keep writing poetry; I would much rather read your delightful little poem than those of the likes of William Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, etc....really, I would. Hope this helps, and good luck with your poetry! I'm already a big fan!
Reply:This poem you wrote is 100% Excellent! You should get an A on it, at least if I were your teacher. It makes me feel spring, and almost smell spring in the air when I read it. Please, make sure you sign it too, and date it (so no one can try copying it). I don't know how old you are, but please keep writing poetry-you are very good at it! Also, maybe consider writing to different magazines (ladies magazines) and see if they would be interested in putting this poem in one of their magazines soon. I wish you the best. Take care.
Reply:I didn't find a single spelling error, and the poem was beautifully written, made me excited for spring.
Reply:It is really good, but check your commas. Some of them are unnecessary. It should be "Visions of springtime/Paint a picture in my mind." Not "paints." Remove all the commas in the sentence you wrote after that. Remove the commas after "breeze" "sunlight" "life" and many other words. Treat your sentences like sentences. If there is not supposed to be a comma there, remove it. Not all lines have to end with a punctuation mark.
Reply:I think it is very basic. Not bad, but not very imaginative or spontaneous. With the exception of "waves smacking back and forth" there is no attempt at pushing the vocabulary or phrases. Try rewriting it, but this time instead of making it sound like a weather report, let your mind wander and try substituting some different vocabulary for words like "tasing," "smelling," "delightful," "calling out," "shine," "grow," etc. I am not saying your poem is bad. I think for a first draft it is fine. But, one definition of poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful emotion. To me, your poem is the rigid reporting of sensual perception.
Reply:I think it's a lovely poem =)
Reply:If your teacher gave you a simple objective of write anything then you did just that. A very fine example! Full of details and images of what you like best about Springtime that use more senses than just vision, you use listening and,smelling the flowers, tasting the fruit a great way to get your reader involved in your vision! Even if it is free verse, as I donot detect any rhyme scheme I would willingly tell you to argue if you don't get a decent grade for this effort! Congratulations.
Reply:Great poem. I get a mixed feeling though. The poem is going along nice and smooth, I could feel the warm breeze, see and smell the flowers and then I am on a beach. I think the beach will work I am just wondering how to fit it in. (I am thinking while I am writing.) And the waves should be crashing not smacking. Or the waves rolling in and out or back and forth? The waves distracted me from the beauty of the rest of your poem.





If you can work the ocean in you need to have the warm breeze blowing in off the waters that gently roll in and out again. Mention the smell of the fresh ocean air, to correlate with the senses you stimulated with the flowers. Maybe how the walk on the beach makes you feel, tranquil, calm, etc.





You mention walking on the crisp green grass, mention the feel of the warm sand on your bare feet.





Here it is: Maybe you can move the poem by mentioning that spring calls for a trip to the beach and then tantalize our senses with the experiences that will provide.





I would really like to read the finished product. It is really a nice poem. Email it to me if you have a chance and let me know how long it read and your grade. A poem should be read at a slower pace than other readings so the listeners can experience what you are trying to show them through the poem. So do not rush the reading, fill the reading with emotion. That may not matter to any one but the teacher but, that is who you are trying to impress.





Good luck!!
Reply:good one
Reply:I like it a lot...makes me want to get started of planting ! You should get a great grade.

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